Hell Is Adaptable
by ExcuUUuseMe
Summary: ...but by now they have all seen what hell truly looks like. It's not some blazing underground pit of torment, but rather the open field, crawling with creatures that ripped the same comrades they learned to love apart. It's the nightmares that haunt your dreams for months. Hell is something you grew to live with.
1. Repitition

The light streamed in through the freshly cleaned windows and created a stretched silhouette of a figure picking up a small cup. The figure belonged to a girl with a tiny frame and deep red hair that only brushed her shoulders. Her eyes were large and were similar to looking into forest. They were full of emotion, or maybe there was a lack of emotion completely; but she stared out the window and her shaky hands brought the cup to and from her mouth unsteadily.

A knock came from the door and echoed around the previously silent room. The girl snapped her head towards the door, "come in," she said in a hoarse voice and the person outside obeyed. "Oh hello, Armin," she said quietly, whilst softly smiling at the blonde boy.

"Hey Cass, are you holding up alright?" Armin questioned, worry etched into his face. _I really hope she tells the truth this time,_ he thought, fidgeting with his hands. He looked down at the ground and tried not to think about what emotions might be in her gaze for just a moment.

"Honestly Armin, I'm not too great," she spoke lightly, looking down at the table, averting the eye contact Armin had reconnected. "I guess I'll get better eventually, today just isn't when." She exhaled heavily, "but that doesn't really matter, now does it? Humanity is busy dying and I have no time to worry about myself. I'm the least of anyone's concerns, including my own. I need to make sure I am prepared for our next expedition, because I won't do any good to our team if I'm dead, now will I?"

Armin stared in shock, "Cass..." his voice trailed off because he had absolutely no idea of how to respond to that. He walked over to where she was sat and kneeled in front of her, covering one of her bony hands with his own. "I know how much you think about that night..." he stopped, "how much you just think about them, and how much you just wish you could have done something, but Cass- look at me. Cass, no matter how much you blame yourself, we were all rookies. Just because soldiers like Mikasa were born to fight doesn't mean all of us were and however much you blame yourself it's not your damn fault!" Armin looked down and tears clouded his vision. "I'm so sorry Cass, I didn't help either, all I did was stand there, you were so scared, you were so small, and I didn't even help." He snapped his head up, "this Cass, this is why we're in the Survey Corps. You've grown so much from that helpless girl I saw on those rooftops not even a year ago. You're strong."

Armin stood up and walked away towards the door. "That day will come," he spoke without looking back at her and exited the room. Cassidy's small frame shook with a sob escaping her lips.

They always said some people were scarred when they made it back from their first mission, and they say some people never heal from the psychological toll the deaths of their friends caused. Cassidy was an example of this, yet she still found the will to fight. Maybe that will that she contained was from the vision of her friends screaming hopelessly while they were ripped apart, or from the memory of her standing on that rooftop screaming for help as she held the dead body of her life long friend in her arms, not believing that they had taken their last breath.

_Hope is a weird thing that comes out in the strangest of times, and clings to your heart even when all else is gone. Will and hope are strung together in cords that stream throughout your body, but are only noticed when the worst of situations happen. These two things may be the only reason anyone in the Survey Corps is still alive._

_**Chapter One**_

Screams emerge from the throats of hysterical soldiers, ill prepared for the upcoming expedition. They were meant to leave in less than twenty four hours and realization is just beginning to lodge itself into the brains of previously braggart soldiers. The same people who less than a day ago were talking themselves up to be prepared for the fight of a lifetime were the same ones who held their hands in their hair and dropped to their knees, trembling and murmuring about how '_this can't possibly be real, this is hell.' _Some still stood their ground though, their impassible sternness present on their emotionless faces. Maybe at one point these were the ones who were also on the ground quaking in fear, but by now they have all seen what hell truly looks like. It's not some blazing underground pit of torment, but rather the open field, crawling with creatures that ripped the same comrades they learned to love apart. It's the nightmares that haunt your dreams for months, the same feeling of weakness you felt in that moment when you realized you couldn't save them coming back to you every night in your sleep. Hell was a thing you grew to live with.

The faces of soldiers such as Cassidy, or Levi held this sternness to such an extent that you would believe they didn't have emotions. This wasn't the case though, it was rather that they learned having emotions gets you nowhere and only hurts more in the end. This is a battle field and if you care about people openly you learn the hard way what that will do to you.

Cassidy resides in her room for the time being, studying the routes and where their destination is. Looking at the different types of aberrations that have previously been encountered, and seeing where there have been herds of titans. The flame from within the lamp flickers and casts a dull flame over the large maps and small books that have been made over the years of terror within the walls. She yawns sleepily but continues reading, she's not ready to go back to nightmares.

A knock echoes through the room and Cassidy silently questions who it could be. She grips the handle of the lantern and pushes her self up out of the chair and over to the door. She slowly opens it with one hand and rubs her eye with the other while stifling a yawn. After she's done rubbing her eyes she looks up and inhales a little sharply when she sees Jean standing in front of her. "Oh uh- I- I'm sorry I'll put out the light and go to bed I'm so-" she was cut off abruptly by Jean's words.

"No that's not why I'm here," he says quietly. Cassidy looks at him strangely and tries to think of any other reason he could be here. _Sometimes he delivered messages from the superiors so maybe Commander Erwin decided I wasn't fit to be a soldier after all,_ she thought, _no he needs all the help he can get,_ she silently assured herself. "Cassidy Argon, I assume you are as well having trouble sleeping, I was making my way to the mess hall to brew some tea, and I wandered across your room and saw there was a light on. I wanted to know if you wanted a cup as well," he stated while staring at the her without any emotion crossing his face. He let out a yawn and took a step back, "care to join?"

"I would love a cup of tea, thank you," Cassidy said stepping towards the hallway. I _wasn't aware that he even knew my name, _she thought, _I suppose I have been one of the rather hard to forget soldiers though, what with my mental break downs and isolation. _They began walking towards the mess hall in silence for the most part, aside from the small yawns that occurred every now and then.

Once they reached the mess hall Jean held up a hand and gestured for her to sit at a table. You could hear the whistling of the tea pot and both Jean and Cassidy just hoped it wouldn't awaken any of the sleeping. There weren't any rooms too close by, but they just didn't want to take the risk of anyone waking up, so after the tea was brewed Jean got two cups and the pot and took them outside. Once the doors were closed Jean turned to Cassidy, "any particular reason you weren't sleeping well?"

Cassidy looked into her cup of tea and shivered a little bit. "You never really forget.." she trailed off not exactly sure what she was saying. She looked over at Jean who looked back expecting her to continue, when she didn't and just looked away for a moment he let out a little noise, _'hm?'_ She got her thoughts together and sighed. "Them. You never really forget them," she spoke, looking up just a bit. "The way they smiled and laughed," she looked back at him for a moment, "the way you couldn't save them," she added looking down. "I'm scared it will happen again, Jean," she spoke even softer than before.

"I understand Cassidy, I dream about him sometimes," Jean said looking up to the stars. Cassidy looked over, "Marco," he spoke answering the question that she held in her thoughts. "He was important, and I wasn't there when he needed me, and now I can never be there for him, so I understand. _It hurts a lot_," with the last words his voice quivered and he stopped looking at the sky. "No one knows how he died, no one was there. He came to save my sorry ass, and I just don't understand _why_," he paused. "Why he had to die. He was always so happy, and I was always so rude to everyone, he was my best friend, and he kept me in line."

Cassidy looked at him with pain etched into her features, "Jean I'm so sorry," she spoke so lightly it was like she hadn't even said anything. She understood that feeling of blame that you point towards yourself, and all she could think was how Jean didn't deserve that weight on his chest, weighing down his heart to the point where he would give his own life to see that Marco were alive. Jean may not have said that, but Cassidy knew what thoughts the feeling brought upon a guilty mind all too well.

"I just wish I at least knew how," he sighed, "I wish I could avenge him, but I don't even know the damned titan that did it." He looked over at Cassidy, "and that's why I'm in the Survey Corps. For him. I want to be able to at least do something to know that him saving me wasn't a complete waste. I can't sleep right now because I just keep thinking how much better I would fight having my best friend beside me, and knowing that I haven't fought since his death. What if I let them all down, ya know?"

Cassidy nodded slowly, taking a sip of her tea. "I know we haven't talked much at all- I was surprised to see you at my door- but for what it's worth, I don't think you'll let them- _let him_- down," she spoke and drank a little more tea. For a little while neither one said anything, and it was actually a comfortable silence. Knowing that someone else could relate to what they were feeling, without just taking pity upon them was something neither were really used to. Everyone just tried to apologize without actually being empathetic, but now it was heartfelt and it was like saying _'I'm sorry that anyone would have to go through the same thing as I did.' _

After they both finished off all the tea they still sat there a little while. It was cool outside and it just felt like they were free of worry for at least a night, even knowing what awaited them tomorrow.

They felt the cool air wisp across their cheeks, and watched the trees dance with the wind that blew them in the distance. The occasional movement of a horse was heard and only added to the serenity of the night. This was how a night before an expedition should be spent, it should not be panicked and tense, it should relax one until they feel like death would be alright.

Which is exactly how Cassidy felt, she felt like death could come at any moment and that would be alright because this is the first peaceful moment she had felt in years. The moonlight glistened off the small drops of tea left within the cups and reflected light onto Cassidy's porcelain face.

She stood up and offered Jean her hand, "I think I can sleep now," she spoke lightly and Jean nodded. He took her outstretched hand but still picked up his own weight. They opened up the doors and went into the kitchen on the other side of the mess hall and washed the dishes they took. They placed them back into the cupboard and made their way back down the hall.

"I think I can too," Jean spoke once they reached Cassidy's room. She gave him a light smile and opened her door, waving to him as he walked farther down the hall until the shadows engulfed him and she was all alone. She walked over to the desk and close the open books, folded the maps, and picked up the lantern. Once she reached her bed she put out the flame within the lantern with a quick puff of air escaping her lips. She climbed under the covers and let herself drift off to an unusually peaceful sleep, and when the sun shone through the window she didn't awake with heavy breathing and a rapid heart rate, but rather with a small stretch and quick yawn.

Once she got out of bed she quickly went to the bathroom and made her way down to the mess hall, which she smiled lightly at. She made two cups of coffee and made her way over to Armin, handing him one as she sat next to him. "Good morning, Armin," she spoke quietly giving him a small smile.

"Good morning, Cass," he looked at her for a moment, then gratefully took the glass of coffee from her small hand. "How are you?" He spoke almost hesitantly and his eyes flickered from his coffee cup back to her foresty-green eyes.

She smiled once more at him, "I think today is the day Armin." He snapped his head up from the coffee that he had been gripping roughly. She nodded her head.

"R-really? You're not just saying that to stop me from worrying about you, are ya Cass?" He spoke slowly trying to assure her that she didn't have to lie. She shook her head.

"I honestly feel like something has changed, the feeling in my heart that held this guilt, it's just not weighing down anymore. It feels like maybe today will be the day that I can finally do something that is worth dying for, maybe I will live, and maybe I will die, but either way I just don't feel that guilt anymore, Armin." He smiled at her, an honest smile, and put his coffee down.

Suddenly his arms were around her and he was squeezing her very tightly. "I've been waiting forever for the day that you said anything along the lines of that, Cass. I'm so glad that you don't have that blame holding down your heart anymore, it's honestly so relieving," Armin spoke with such a joy in his voice, and after he stopped talking he let her go. His face flamed up with a red tinge, "uh sorry Cass," he said and quickly brought his coffee up to his mouth.

"Don't worry about it."

Within a few hours of waking up they were assuming their positions that they would be in for the expedition, and much to Cassidy's surprise she was in a position that was only a few people away from Jean. For a good hour they rode without any interruption, any smoke signals that showed for titans were taken care of, and none had seemed to come their way. It was strange, really, usually where she was stationed in expeditions had a uniquely dangerous route, she became lost in her thought and when she looked up her captain told the squad to find a spot in the trees they were approaching. _Hm that's different,_ she thought, _usually we don't go into the forest because while there are advantages, there are disadvantages. _While she was propelling herself into a tree she heard a rhythmic slamming growing louder, and closer. Jean came up into a tree next to her, his breathing ragged and eyes wide. "Cassidy! Titans, they're everywhere that way, some are even above the ten-meter class," he exclaimed. Cassidy looked out and saw one titan running for the forest, _it looks like an aberrant,_ she spoke in her head. "Cassidy we need to get higher in the trees, it'll be easier to take them down if they're distracted on finding a way to get to us." _What Jean was saying made sense, but what if there were people in the forest?_ She thought frantically.

"Jean... There's an aberrant, and they're running straight into the forest, I think I saw one of the squads enter, I have to go help them," she spoke, her eyes darting from Jean, to deep in the forest. Jean's eyes widened, and he leaned against the tree and stuck a hand into his hair.

_"God no..."_ He mumbled to himself. "No I'll go in you stay here and protect the rest of the squad, they're not trained as much as we are," Jean spoke hurriedly and got ready to hook himself to a tree in front of him. "I'll be back," and with that he propelled into the tree just a few meters ahead.

Cassidy didn't have a chance to speak her words of disagreement and watched him swing ahead. _'What are you doing Cassidy! He's going to die if he's all alone!'_ She spoke internally and quickly followed behind. She saw him but he couldn't see her, she was gaining speed on him.

She was almost to him but he shot down, she didn't see what he hooked onto, but he wasn't down for long. He came flying back up with a force that couldn't be that of the 3D Maneuver Gear. He slammed into a tree at least twenty meters away from her, and within a few moments he began getting up. She shot herself forward and began approaching the area where he stood, when he turned and saw her and gave her a disapproving look. He shot at a tree closer to her, and just as his hook reached it a hand shot out.

Everything moved slow for a moment and Cassidy found herself stopped on a tree. The hand withdrew from where it was and the only thing left was Jean's mangled body half embedded into the tree he was trying to get away from.


	2. Adaptation

Cassidy just stood on the tree branch dumbfounded. "W-what?" She stuttered out after a few agonizing moments of pure silence. "N-no..." she whimpered. "No! No!" She began screaming uncontrollably and fell to her knees. "No, again? Why again!?" She cried out. She quickly swung over to the tree his body was crumpled against, "Jean," she whispered, "I will make sure this didn't mean nothing, but first I need to take you back, I can't let you be eaten by them," she spoke rushed and shaky, while pulling his body from the tree. It was an unsightly mess and blood trickled from his body and down onto her in slow but steady streams. Just as she was about to swing for the tree Jean had tried to reach the same titan grabbed hungrily for them. She turned the aim of her hook to the titan's forearm and propelled herself and Jean's lifeless body forward in such a speedy movement there was little reaction time for the titan.

She withdrew the hook and forced herself to sprint up to the shoulder of the creature. Her small frame caused her speed to be rather impressive, and as soon as she reached the destination of the shoulder she jumped up and brought her blades down, slashing a huge gash through the back of its neck, all in one movement. She hooked herself back onto the desired tree and kept moving back to where her squad resided for the time being.

When Cassidy finally started seeing the light breaking in between the trees more clearly she began moving at a more rapid pace. _Just a few more meters,_ she spoke roughly in her head, _almost there._ She swung through an opening with such force it startled the soldiers who sat lazily amongst the trees. She landed hard on a tree branch and her breathing was ragged, she coughed and sputtered heavily. A soldier maybe one tree away from her stared intently, "is he... _dead_?" His voice hung loosely on the word 'dead' and you could tell he was unsettled by the lifeless body of Jean hanging limply around her shoulders.

Cassidy lost her eye contact with the boy and she drew her fist back and punched the tree with a surprisingly hard force. It caused a thud that echoed and made soldiers wander their lazy gazes over to the direction of the noise. As soon as the thud echoed there was an inhuman crunch and as Cassidy withdrew her hand she revealed that the bark of the tree had fallen away, but also that more than one of her fingers were bent in ways that were utterly unsettling to ones stomach. Her captain was the farthest away out of all of her squad members and he came rushing over quickly. "Cassidy what is the meaning of-" he abruptly stopped when he saw the limp and lifeless body of Jean sitting next to her, "good god... Jean.." He spoke so softly, as if someone would question what he were saying, as if it were all just some twisted hallucination, purely a figment of his own imagination, going to his deep fears of not being able to save his own squad.

"I could've saved him," Cassidy murmured, even though in her heart she knew there wasn't any way she could have. She didn't even see the titan until it's hand was crushing Jean against a tree. After taking a moment to just look off and think about what had happened she snapped into reality and turned her gaze to her captain. "I-I'm so sorry captain... It's all my fault, if I hadn't suggested we try to help those in the forest he wouldn't be-" Cassidy cut herself off. She choked on her words as she looked down at the carcass of Jean, her usually impassible expression how held such sorrow in it that it were similar to that of a small child that had just been scolded. She looked beyond vulnerable and her face scrunched up in pain every few moments, but whether that was because of the death of Jean, or the clearly maimed hand, was unknown to all.

"Cassidy Argon, do not take blame for trying to protect your fellow soldiers! I respect you're courageous decision, and I am truly upset to hear that we have lost such a great soldier, but thank you for bringing him back to us and not letting him be lost completely at the hands of the titans, that is honorable and I would like to believe he would have done the same for you!" The captain stated with a very professionally stern voice, though it cracked when speaking of the loss of Jean. If Cassidy remembered correctly, Jean was pretty good friends with the captain and though the captain did not show it, the death obviously would effect him to an extent. Cassidy gave him a salute and then fell to her knees, and the sad thing is that not even five minutes later there was a signal saying the mission was over. _Ten minutes_, she thought, _if I had waited even just ten minutes, he wouldn't be dead. _

She stared blankly at her hand and finally someone came over to her and shook her shoulder. "Cassidy, we're moving out, heading back home," they spoke. She looked up, it was Connie, and she smiled lightly at him. She mouthed the word alright, and he swung down to where his horse was tied up, releasing it and jumping onto it in one swift movement. She looked at the body that was propped up against the tree and looked down for a moment. She quickly picked him up and swung down to where Connie was mounted on his horse. She sighed as she placed Jean on the horse before climbing up herself. Her stomach churned at the fact that she were riding a horse with her dead friends body, it seemed so sadistic, but she had to until they caught up with the body cart. As she felt his dead body against her own she came close to vomiting, or having a complete mental break down, and tears stained her uniform as she looked at Jean's blood which had done the same.

She could see the body cart but it just wouldn't come fast enough. She sped up her horse and sped by Connie, and now was only a meter away from the body cart. She jumped off her horse and carried Jean the rest of the way. When she actually reached the cart she saw Captain Levi, Armin, and Eren standing alone piling dozens of bodies into the cart. By now Cassidy had regained her composure and as she approached them Armin turned.

"Cassidy? Who's tha-" Armin's voice completely stopped when one of Cassidy's steps caused his body to bounce just slightly, and turn in a position that they all could see. Cassidy's stern expression that she had placed back on was now gone once more and replaced with a face of pain. She averted her gaze from Armin and her jaw muscles tightened noticeably.

"Jean, oh god, no!" Eren screamed rushing towards her. "No, no, no, Jean please you can't be dead buddy, you weren't meant to die, Jean come on," he spoke in utter disbelief, the tone in his voice showing that he thought at any moment Jean would take a breath and be fine. They all stared at Eren as he continued to try waking his friend who was never going to wake up.

"Eren," a gruff voice spoke. "He's gone, he's not coming back, we can bury him if you'd like, but right now we need to go." Levi stared at Eren and not a single emotion crossed his face as he spoke to the helpless boy holding his dead friend. "Eren," he demanded, "now."

Eren stood up and gently placed the body of his friend into the cart amongst the many others, and mounted his horse right beside Levi's. He mumbled angry words of hurt and vengeance under his breath as he rode further up. Levi still stood there placing a few more of the bodies into the cart, and Cassidy just stared at him. He turned towards her direction, sensing the gaze pointed at him. "Your hand, go see Hanji or one of the others for medical care," he spoke, noticing the mangled, bruised, swelling fingers on the girl. What he noticed more was all the blood on her, and at the same time he was disgusted, he felt empathy, but neither one reflected onto his face.

Just as Levi was turning away Cassidy put her hand on his shoulder, "can you please do me a favor, captain?" She spoke softly while his back was turned to her. He made a disgusted face at the bloody hand that touched his uniform, but relaxed and turned towards her. "I will be forever in your debt if you do this, but I also understand that you may deny it." She spoke while she fidgeted with her hair with her hand that wasn't hurt.

"Out with it," Levi spoke. His voice was rough and stern, and it was hard to tell if he hid anything behind it, or if he was honestly unamused with everything, and held no emotion for human beings. Cassidy locked eyes with him for possibly the first time in her life. His eyes were a light yet dark grey that were the main key in his impassible state, yet somehow still managed to reflect light beautifully.

"I want to be sure that Jean does have a proper burial. I know you were saying that to calm Eren, but please, captain," Cassidy spoke in a way that sounded pained and Levi looked deep into her eyes. _Does this girl have a motive? Is there any possible way there could be a motive behind this? _His thoughts flickered around and after a few moments he opened his mouth to speak.

"I will see to it that the soldier has a proper burial." Cassidy's face lightened up with those words and the pained expression faded, "under one condition," he added. Her face grew questioning and her thoughts ran wild. He interrupted the thoughts with a quick cough, "I would like you to train with me, and depending on your potential, I would like you to take a part in my squad," and with that he walked away, and Cassidy found her way to Hanji.

They didn't arrive home until the next day, and the ride through town was painful. Slurs were thrown at them as usual, but none were ever correct, and they were said with no respect for the dead. Family members scanned through the crowd of soldiers in hope that their son or daughter was one of them that had escaped the hands of the titans. The worst part may have been the kids though, they stared at the passing soldiers with hopeful faces and shouts of encouragement, saying how brave each one was, when really the majority of the soldiers could only feel pangs of guilt for their comrades deaths.

Many of the soldiers did not feel alive, the only blood they had was the blood on their hands, and the only thing running through their veins was the feeling of remorse that hits hard after every expedition. It never really stops, you always wonder why you decided to join the Survey Corps, and when you wonder that the pang of guilt comes back even stronger because you realize wondering why is like abandoning all hope that those who died told you to hold onto.

Returning to her room Cassidy only felt sadness stabbing at her repeatedly as she thought about all of the people who died. All of her friends who died, how prepared they all said they were. In reality none of them were prepared, and they could never be prepared because as much as you train, things happen. Heroes die out like a small flame, nothing big, nothing meaningful, and that same person you were just sparring with is now ripped apart because you were moments too late.

As Cassidy lie in her bed she thought, and then her mind came to thinking about Levi and his offer. _Why had he wanted me to join his squad? I'm not a strong soldier like Mikasa, or even Eren. I have no sense of strategy like Armin does, so why me? _Her mind rushed around possibilities and she only came up short.

As she thought, she drifted off, and when she awoke with a knock on the door it was again that she woke with ragged breathing and an unsteady heartbeat, cold sweat beading on her forehead. Before she could even catch her own breath or slow down her heart rate the door swung open, and when her vision focused she inhaled even sharper than she had been. "C-captain," she spoke, still breathing heavily.

"Cassidy Argon, you are to make your way to the mess hall with myself and have breakfast, we will then begin training," Levi stated in such a professional way, and after he was done speaking he turned and waited outside her door. She got up and put on proper clothing, hobbling around trying to put her boots on as quickly as she possibly could. As she walked towards the door she put her hair up and placed on her glasses that she wore when not in battle.

As they made their way to the mess hall the air was tense and Cassidy found herself playing with the bandage that was wrapped thickly around her swollen hand. No one was in the mess hall and Cassidy wondered what time it was, since the sun was in fact out. Levi poured himself a glass of tea, and one of those stabbings of sadness hit Cassidy hard. She quickly ate an apple, and Levi stood up.

"I guess it's time we start."


	3. Something New

To train with Levi meant putting up with all the quirks his mind contained, and working with all the surprises thrown in your way. It meant waking up before the sun even rose, and pushing yourself past whatever internal conflict you may be having to soar through the air and have any miniscule flaws pointed out until they were worked to perfection. It meant taking even the sliver of fight in you and molding it into your entire being, turning your small, insignificant self into a hope for humanity.

This is what Cassidy had caused herself to become a part of. As she walked in silence with Levi to wherever it was they were headed she felt a wave of nausea wash over her from head to toe, and she stopped abruptly behind him. "What is it?" Levi spoke without turning to face her, his senses were so acute from the years as a captain that it could impress anyone. She clutched her stomach with one hand, and held out the other to catch herself from further injuring herself, but it wasn't the best idea because when her hand colided with the ground she realized much too late that it was her previously fractured hand. Levi pivotted on his foot quickly when she let out a cry of pain, while removing the weight from her hand, causing the rest of her body to come in contact with the ground. The previously emotionless face of Levi washed over with shock for a quick moment, and returned back to his casual expression.

He kneeled in front of her body, which clearly reflected the pained state she was in while she held her arm close and protectively to her chest. By the time she was starting to get back up, she was back on her knees vomiting from the combination of the nausea and excruciating pain she had just experienced. Levi closed the gap between them and held his hand on her back for a moment before steadily rubbing circles while her body heaved with a force of rejection. He kept himself in a position that he was protected from any fluids that were leaving her body, but made sure that she was alright.

"L-levi," Cassidy spoke with a breathless voice, before her body heaved with force once more, "you don't have to-" she caught a breath, but began coughing, "I'll be alright." Levi stared at the girl questioningly, wondering why she stated something that was clearly a lie. As he stared at her more he noticed she began crying, and realized exactly what it was.

"She doesn't want someone to see her in such a sorry state,"he mumbled absentmindedly. Her head shot up and an emotion was displayed across her face, but he couldn't quite put his finger on it. She turned away and he could see her chest rise and fall rhythmically, _she's crying_, he thought, _but why? She can't help force herself to not be sick._ His hand moved back to her spine, and he rubbed up and down slowly. _Distress, that's what it was. _

"So much for training today, let's go to Hanji," he spoke, getting up and offering a hand to Cassidy. She did not take it though, and pushed herself up, walking in the oppsite direction of Hanji's office. "Huh?" Levi breathed and tried to think what she was doing. "Hanji's office is-"

"We're training today," Cassidy stated, her pace not faltering. Levi clicked his tongue, but sped his pace up to lead her to where they would be training for the day. Once he was in front of her Cassidy began to slow down, using as little energy as possible for the moment, she needed to at least _try_ to prove herself worthy of Levi's presence. The previous wave of nausea was replaced with one of satisfaction, _this is for Jean_. She smiled lightly to herself as she picked back up her pace. Soon they reached the end of the hallway and Levi pushed open the double doors leading outside. It was where they had always trained, nothing seemed different.

Levi didn't stop though, he continued walking out to somewhere Cassidy had never been. She looked around slowly, taking in the sight of an unknown place. There were so many trees she began to feel light headed as much too recent memories flooded back to her. She felt her knees give out, and she clung to Levi for a moment, and unknown to her, he gave an uncomfortable face. "W-what?" Levi spoke, startled, there was nothing her could do but grab her and keep her from falling to the ground, and as he did so his light skin flamed up to a red color for a moment, but he regained him composure before Cassidy could come to her senses.

The only thing that was passing through his mind for a few split seconds, though, was how light she was in his grasp, how his hands touched her back in a protective way, and he cursed at himself internally for those thoughts. It made him uncomfortable to be even _touching_ someone younger than him, so he placed her on the ground lightly, and sat in a criss-cross position in front of where she lie. He exhaled heavily and put his chin in his palms. He was flustered with himself at the moment, and just took a few moments to just think. He didn't get to think very long thought because Cassidy began stirring, and shot up, causing Levi to jump to his feet. He wasn't very precise with his landing and he began to stumble, hobbling back on one foot until he completely landed flat on his back.

He drew in air sharply as he felt the wind knocked out of him, his landing was not light, and he felt no need to get up just yet. "C-captain?" Cassidy mumbled, feeling herself starting to focus on the world. She looked over at Levi lying on the ground, and her murky thoughts turned to panic, and she forced herself over to his body, "Captain Levi! Are you alright? Oh no-" her startled words were cut off by Levi letting out a groan, and she sighed in relief. She was still unsure what happened to him, so she hovered her face over his and tried to see if there was any blood coming from his head, which there wasn't. Confused, she backed up and sat with her knees in front of her. "Hm, captain?" She spoke lightly.

"Nnn-Cassidy," he groaned, painfully lifting himself from his lying position on the ground. "Okay let's get to-nnng- let's get to work," Levi spoke gasping for breath in the middle of his sentence. _Damn I hit a lot harder than I thought, I ought to take at least a minute to rest,_ he spoke in his head but shook the thought off as soon as it came, _no I'm alright now, I just needed that gasp of breath, I'm good now. _As the pair walked to a supply room and geared themselves up, Levi began to feel the air come back to his body regularily, and circulate in rhythm through his lungs once more.

The light shone through the sliver of glass that they called a window, creating a dim illumination that still managed to make Levi's sleek hair shine, and his eyes have a sparkle in them, despite his regular coldness towards others. Cassidy couldn't help but be entranced with the beauty of his feautures, his jaw was tense, and his skin a flawless light color that contrasted heavily with his dark hair. When he placed the cape around his shoulders and pulled up his hood the way the shadows casted on his face was almost a work of art, not only was he an elite soldier, but he was an elite human being altogether.

Her eyes traced the outline of his face while he held a blade in his hand, checking if it were sharp or not. His finger grazed the thinnest part of it, and where it had come in contact, a small line of blood started to form. He completely ignored the thin streak of blood, now trickling down to his fingertip and gathering into a small drop. He pulled his hood back down and looked over at Cassidy, who had been taking in his every detail that she hadn't seen before to such an extent it was rather unsettling, but, to be fair, she had always been too intimidated to observe him for more than a glance. Even in previous conversations with him she had never managed to meet his gaze, yet, it wasn't like that was an unusual thing, many of the soldiers feared the superior male.

As soon as his eyes locked with hers though, she quickly glanced away, "I-I'm sorry captain," she spoke nervously. She had been caught in the act, and was at loss for words. When he didn't respond, she looked back up, and Levi was still looking at her. "Captain Levi?" She questioned, he gaze not faltering in the slightest. His face no longer held a stern look, and she couldn't help but savoring this moment as much as possible. They just sat there in the dim morning light for a little while, looking at each other, not speaking, but maybe trying to string together words to say to the other.

Levi blinked a few times rapidly, and then backed away a bit, grabbing the blades he had examined, and sheathing them. He pushed past her and spoke in his monotone voice once more, "let's begin our training." He tried to put his thoughts together, wondering what exactly that was considered back there. _We were just examining each other, I was taking note of her stature and visible strength, _he assured himself in his mind, _I was just also taking note of the way looking into her eyes was like running through the forest, or how she is one of the only people I actually have to look down to, _he made mental notes, chuckling almost silently at the latter.

"Alright," Cassy said in a soft-spoken voice, snapping out of her thoughts and scuttling up behind him, following his trail. They walked for at least a mile in complete silence, and then suddenly Levi shot up into one of the trees that was approaching them, she followed him quickly, and they paused on a rather small tree branch. It began wobbling and Levi shot ahead again, propelling himself with an impressive force. She once again followed, finding no time for any fault.

When she landed on the next branch it appeared to be more sturdy, and Levi got slightly closer to her, looking into her eyes. He extended one arm in the direction they were heading, and pulled the trigger with his cut finger, he inched just a bit closer, "keep up," he spoke sternly, before shooting ahead once more.

The following kept up for a little while longer, and when they stopped, Cassidy looked around. They were high above the ground, in even taller trees than those they swung in during the expedition. On the ground there sat figures around eight meters tall, they resembled that of a titan in some senses, it was like the model titans they had been training with, but more accurate in the sense that each was different, if you looked closely. Whether it be different positioning, or different heights. Some were outliers in the general eight meter ranging, some much taller, but others much shorter.

"This is where my squad trains on certain days, it gives more of an actual idea of what it's like, being out there, and gives the chance to study ways of attack when the titan isn't in a neccessarily _'normal' _position. My squad must be prepared as much as possible, because when there is fleeting hope, they are the ones who shine in and pull it out," Levi spoke looking off into the distance, sometimes pausing and looking around at the titans, and other times staring at the different trees. There was a sense of pride when he spoke the words _'my squad'_, whether the pride be in himself, or in his squad was uncertain to Cassidy, but she could sense that some was there. "Anyways," he paused, "let's get going," and with that he shot forward, quickly closing the distance between himself and the model titans. He landed on one of their hands and began running, arms behind him, hands readied on his sheathed blades. Before he even reached the shoulder he pushed himself into the air, adding force to the blow that was about to come. When his blades struck the titan it was quick and clean, and it was almost as if it had never happened.

Levi stared at where Cassidy still stood, looking expectant. When she stopped staring at the piece of material that had landed heavily on the ground she glanced at him, and quickly began working her way through the models with Levi. At one point Levi told her to meet him on the ground, and she obeyed, landing lightly on her feet. "Now titans won't always be in a closed space, other times they will be in an open space while we're making our way to a destination. I am sure you already know this, but the regular groups are not trained seperately on this skill, this is where you will prove to me that you deserve to be on my squad." He spoke turning away and extending his arms, but before the triggers were pulled, he added one slight remark, "don't disappoint me."

Levi was gone as fast as he said that, and Cassidy wasn't far behind, working her way up the body of a titan, trying to make quick moves, showing that if this were real she would not be disappointing anybody. She brought her blades down on the neck of one titan, then another, and worked her way through the rest with Levi by her side, sometimes assisting in a kill, to make it seem more realistic. By the time all of the necks had been cut into Cassidy's breath was ragged and unsteady, while Levi's was just heavier in the slightest. _Humanity's strongest soldier, _she said to herself examining the way he was barely worn out, even after a day of grueling training.

They baoth walked out of the forest and it was growing dark, the moon starting to show an outline in the sky. They stopped and put away their equipment, and Cassidy's mind wandered to that moment they shared there. _Well was it even considered a moment? _She spoke in her head, pushing away the thought. They took care of the equipment speedily and were on their way back to their rooms, they walked in silence, it was uneasy for her but she couldn't tell if it was the same for Levi. As they entered the building leading to their rooms they stopped for a moment, and just looked at each other once more. _What is it about them? _They both thought.

_Oh well it's not like it matters, I'm just taking interest in a soldier that could potentially be a part of my squad, of course I'm going to be examining them thoroughly, I want to be sure I'm making the right choice, _Levi assured himself once more. After a minute they looked away and Levi began walking again. They then approached her room, "goodnight Captain Levi," Cassidy spoke, opening her door lightly. Levi nodded to her, and turned away, she was entering her room when his voice abruptly stopped her.

"Welcome to my squad Cassidy," he paused, "and goodnight."

If anyone even reads this fanfiction I'm sorry if this is shit, honestly. Also chapters might take a little more time because school is starting back up. *Sigh* If you did read this, thank you, honestly, I appreciate it with all my heart. I write because I enjoy writing, even if it's not very good.

Have a lovely day

xoxo -Amber


	4. Can You See Me From The Stars?

As the door quietly shut behind her, Cassidy crept out and decided she would go and stare at the stars tonight. It had been two weeks since she had joined Levi's squad, and she had to admit it was rough, there was a lot of arduous work that had to be done. Yet she couldn't help but feeling a beating of joy shoot through her being when she thought about Levi quietly murmuring those words. _"Welcome to my squad Cassidy," he paused, "and goodnight." _As she crept walked through the corridors her small mouth stretched open in a quiet yawn, '_hopefully the stars are out,' _she whispered almost inaudibly to herself.

She swung the double doors leading outside open, and a cool breeze tickled at her exposed skin. Her teeth chattered lightly for a moment, and she pulled her long socks farther up her thighs, and hugged her sweater tighter to her. The fuzzy shorts she had ever since she joined training now clung to her tightly, and were now worn down to a little less fuzzy pair of shorts, but they still held in the heat as they always had. While the air was cool, it was adaptable, much like the screams heard on a battle field or the feeling of being alone, aside from the fact that this was a much more calming adaption. She slid down the door and tilted her head up to the passing clouds, small sparkles of light dotted the sky, and caused heat to spring through her body, and all she could think of was Marco. The way Jean had talked about him from the place she was seated. She wondered if heaven really did exist, and even though she didn't believe in it herself, she hoped that she was wrong, and Jean was walking around with Marco right now, smiling, probably apologizing, maybe even looking down at the headquarters.

She smiled at the thought of them tumbling over one another as they ran in for a hug clumsily. Maybe they were clad in white with little wings popping out of their backs, and shiny little halos twinkling above their heads, maybe the stereotypes for a heaven were right, maybe they were sitting on a little cloud kicking their legs back and forth as they dangled; and maybe, just maybe, they were actually happy. She let herself allow the thought into her mind for her own sake, and for the sake of Jean, and for Marco- perfect, sweet, smiling, freckled Marco, according to him. She moved her eyes, scanning the sky thoughtfully, tears welled up in her large eyes, and one slipped down her cheek, all the while still having a slight smile on her face.

Cassidy began hiccuping with sobs caught in her throat, as she still smiled, her thoughts still swam around the thoughts of heaven, and she let out all these tears of relief, pretending that this belief was definite because she wanted it to be. She wanted Jean and Marco to be happy and crying the same tears as her as they locked eyes with each other. She began to compose herself and decided to stand up and maybe walk around a little bit. She hummed a little song, lyrics swarming her mind, _'__and all I can think of is the memories no one will remember, like the way your cheeks burned red despite the cold in_ _December,' _and it flipped to another song, _'__and I saw you smile the way you always did for me and it sent a rush through my being just like the first time you said you loved me more than the world, but maybe you stopped loving the world.'_

As she hummed lightly to herself she heard the sound of something closing and she clumsily fell, startled at the sudden noise breaking the silent-_except for her humming-_air around her. "Uh- uhm," she mumbled out not being able to see anything because of the dark and her lack of glasses. "Armin? Ha-Hanji?" she spoke while scrambling around on the ground attempting to lift herself to her feet.

"Now tell me-" a voice spoke, yet she still couldn't see anything, even the faintest outline of them, "why are you out after curfew?" Cassidy tried to stutter out something to them, but she had no idea who they were, causing fear to shoot through her body, _what if it's commander Erwin? He'll kick me out for sure if he knows I'm out passed the curfew! _She frantically tried to gather her thoughts because no response doesn't look good on her part, nor does scrambling on the ground like a ditz. What looks like a shadow standing upright due to the lighting begins walking even closer to her and she recognizes them clearly.

"C-captain Levi- I'm so- I mean I didn't-" Levi holds his hand up indicating that she stop with her incoherent babbling.

"Shut up brat, I just wanted to see if I couldn't scare the piss out of you," he spoke crudely and blunt and it somewhat shocked Cassidy. While he had talked to some people like that he had never done so to her, and it put a slight bit of irritation into her. Something flickered in his eyes, and he looked down at his boots, no doubt noticing any imperfections with them. _"Just, let's get back inside," _he mumbled, turning away from where Cassidy now stood.

"Alright _captain_," she spoke, emphasizing the word 'captain' unnecessarily. They walked with calm steps back to the entrance of the building and Levi pushed the doors open with ease and warm air grazed over the exposed skin of the two. When they came across Cassidy's room Levi did not stop like he did the last time he walked with her, but rather walked even faster. Annoyance clouded over Cassidy, and as she sat in bed she played with her thumbs and thought about how the stars looked like freckles in the sky, calming herself.

Levi on the other hand paced around his office trying to think of what to do with the paperwork that crowded his desk, _battle plans, budgets for gear, postioning, _he flipped mindlessly through a stack that made a home on the left side of his desk and stopped when he came across a death list. _Eld Jinn, Gunther Schultz, Oluo Bozado, Petra Ral, Jean Kirstein... it just keeps dragging on, it keeps going, there is no end to the lives lost, there never will be. All of them, gone, all of the people who trusted their lives to me, to the Survey Corps, gone, with a small heartbeat that maybe they didn't even know would be their last, gone. Pointless deaths resulting in nothing. Nothing has been gained from the years of torture upon humanity, and nothing will be gained. It doesn't matter how good of a soldier someone is because in the end it all amounts to nothing but loss of hope and faith. _Levi sighs, running his hands through his hair and then letting them rest on him face. _"Why!?" _He kicks the table causing a loud noise to echo around the room, _"why does it all mean nothing!? _Why is it that people who are merely _children _are _encouraged_ to give up their lives!?" He rubs his hands over his face in aggravation. He balls his hands into fists and grabs his coat, his feet making quick unsteady thuds against the ground as he makes his way out the door and to the training forest. _  
_

He doesn't plan on training but rather scaling a tree and sitting in the moonlight, simmering down and not letting his anger get to the point where he breaks everything in his room. _"Thirty years old and I can't manage my temper," _he mumbles to himself as he briskly hooks the gear around his waist before storming out of the small shed. At this point his face no longer displayed a stoic expression but rather a vulnerable one, you could see the pain reflected through his eyes as he peered at the moon shining dim rays through the branches of the trees. _Tch_ escapes from his mouth as he tries to hold his guilt as anger, _"don't you have any human feelings at all!?" _Levi speaks in a tone that mocks that of one of the soldiers whom had spoken to him after they were signaled to retreat. He sighs internally and brings his hands up to his face once more, and leaves them there as he tries to convince himself decisions that have been made were not the wrong decisions. _But captain, there are no wrong decisions! You can never know the outcome! _He silently curses his own words for god knows he didn't believe a single one of them, _how do you forgive yourself for lives lost at your own orders? Pointless deaths. **Pointlesspointlesspointless. **_It beats rapidly in his head and he starts to breathe unevenly, _"god, why? Why has it been so many months since that and yet I just can't forget it? Why is it that I can't forgive myself?" _The last question he knew the answer to, _'__because it's your fault'_ a voice echoed in his head.

Ever since the last time he saw close comrades die he couldn't seem to control his emotions quite as well, and couldn't seem to choose anybody new for his team. _Sure_ he had a couple but it wasn't _them_ it never could be _them_ and god did that bring a pain throughout his body. God did it hallow him out to such an extent that he was just some blank wall. _Don't you have any human feelings? "I do! Or I did..."_ He speaks to himself as if there were someone confronting him right at this moment. _Fuck, I miss them. _He felt the choking feeling resurface like it had _many _nights. _Cold, cruel, emotionless... _Did they think he didn't hear them? He slammed a fist into the branch that he sat on and inhaled sharply through clenched teeth. It's just her, she's been leaving him flustered since they properly met. _She's just like Petra was at first__,_ his head always told him, and all he could say back was _'no'_ because of the fact he didn't want there to be someone like Petra, he wanted Petra, he wanted Eld, and he wanted Gunther, he wanted his special squad, he wanted something that was in fact not possible. _Once they're gone they're gone, dead is dead. _His own words stung right into his mind, they often came back to bite him, more frequently at night, when he realizes just how different it is with some soldiers no longer there.

Usually the halls would be filled with the laughter of his squad and they would all have tea and just talk, Levi had grown acquainted to those in his squad like he never had before with anyone. He never allowed it, and he never should have changed that, because life is only temporary, especially in this place. As much as everyone will say it is heartless to be like Levi is it's more intelligent to do so because _this_ is what happens. You spend nights on end just thinking about how you fucked up for everyone, about how it's _your _fault they didn't make it back to their hopeful wide-eyed families, for fucks sake that _hurts, _it would hurt anyone. The moment you look that hopeful eyed parent or sibling in the eyes and say _"oh yeah they didn't make it back because my plan fucked up, so yeah they're dead now, but it was all in vain because the mission wasn't a success anyways, oops sorry," _that is the moment that you know real pain because it flickers from that family members eyes right into your dreams every night.

Levi continues torturing his mind with thoughts of what _could _I have done and what _should _I have done. Thinking over the unchangable, and trying so hard to change it, but there is no give in that, it's like trying to put a broken vase together with just your bare hands. You're either going to end up getting cut and or upset and it was all for nothing. He's like a small child that has done something wrong but they didn't realize it until afterwards and they're trying to their full extent to change what they have done, although there is no way to do so. When the night becomes more like day is when he finally gets off the tree and takes off his equipment. He places the stoic face back on and heads to the entrance of headquarters, making himself a glass of coffee and running his hands through his hair once more as soon as he makes it over to the kitchen.

He sighs heavily, "another day."


End file.
